Oblivion

Yeah, I wrote this a couple of weeks ago now. Push!

So I've been playing Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion for the last few days. Following Alec's recommendation, I started with the Assassin's Guild, since the Thieves' Guild requires that you not kill anyone, so it wouldn't be a good idea to do both of them at the same time. At first, most of the hits were pretty easy to rationalize. For instance, one of them was a murdering drug addict and another was a rapist. However, as they've progressed, they've become more difficult to stomach. Here follows my blow-by-blow (not really) account of my latest assignment:

For this one I was ordered to assassinate an entire family, starting with the mother. I found her outside her house, working her garden. I asked her where I could find her children, and she thought I was the present delivery person, and not only told me where they were, but gave me money. Worse still, after I shot her I went into her house to see if she had anything valuable in there, I found that she had a pet dog. He was apparently named Jake, and stood in the corner facing the place where her dead body was outside, barking and wagging his tail anxiously. Could you make it a little more heartwrenching?
Oh goodie. The next hit is a guard. He seems friendly. I approached him to see if he had anything important to say, and he seemed nonplussed when I didn't say anything (my other choices were something like "you and your family are dead!" and "I'm here for your soul!" I was in clear view of another guard, so those choices seemed unwise).

Aww!! This is horrible! This person lives in a cave with a bunch of animal friends: rats, and more importantly, wolves! After I killed her, I snuck back out of the cave past the wolves and rats. I don't think they would have attacked me, but better safe than sorry. As I passed one of the wolves (I was in the shadows so he couldn't see me) he sat down, wagged his tail, and tilted his head inquisitively. Then he barked in the direction of his mistress. Why do they do these things to me?!

Ak! The last one was a Captain of the Guard. That was annoying. Thank goodness for most people's inability to see into shadows. Also, for the fact that one can just turn up the brightness settings in order to see into shadows.

Pop! (I wonder how many people have read Gödel, Escher, Bach, and of those how many actually would get the whole Push-Pop reference. People to whom I've explained it multiple times don't count. Particularly if they still don't get it the next time I use it. *cough* Alec *cough*

Anyway, I'm posting this now even though I didn't really finish it. Well, if I did finish it it would probably be even longer and more boring, so I guess that's a good thing.

Signs that you have been playing Fallout 3 for too long

I played Fallout 3 all day yesterday (11am to 2am, with a few breaks) and half of today (11am to 3pm) on Alec's 360. I'm not even close to being done with the plot. So many maps to explore (and get lost in) so many random things to find, so many things to buy and sell, so many people to talk to, so many mutants to shoot, so little time. The game is set 200 years after a nuclear war. You grew up in a fallout shelter that was supposedly locked shut for that whole time. You leave to look for your father, who left the shelter under mysterious circumstances. You wander the Capitol City Wasteland and the ruins of D.C., fighting baddies and stealing their stuff, etc. Its gameplay is first-person shooter RPG: For the most part your perspective is like a FPS (you can only see your hands), but like an RPG, you level up with experience and can chose which skills to develop, and you can choose to play it good or bad (my character is currently "very good," and my title is "Ranger of the Wastes" Edit: Now I'm a "Protector").

Anyhoo, thanks to my experience thus far, here is my list of signs that you have been playing Fallout 3 for too long:

7. Your finger is sore from where it rests on the underside of the controller.

6. The sides of your hands are sore from where they've been resting on your lap as you hold the controller.

5. You go to bed because you are tired, and know that sleeping will bring your health bar back up to full.

4. You begin to look at objects around the room as though they are items that you would consider picking up to sell.

3. When you approach a light switch you expect to see a prompt asking you if you want to "activate" it.

2. You begin judging plots of movies and TV episodes in terms of what parts would be made into quests, and what the quests would entail.

1. You sleep poorly, because you keep being woken up as you finish parts of an entire quest that you complete in your dreams.

That's only seven. Maybe I'll have more after I play longer. Oy.

Oops. I need a picture. Here's a poster from the game:

Oh, and did I mention that Liam Neeson does the voice for the father? That alone gives the game big bonus points.

Why the Peacekeeper Wars "synopsis" is wrong

So here's the text of the synopsis again:

"When a full-scale war is engaged by the evil Scarran Empire, the Peacekeeper Alliance has but one hope: reassemble human astronaut John Crichton, once sucked into the Peacekeeper galaxy through a wormhole. Crichton's task: Get the entire Peacekeeper race to safety before the last war of an era brings and end to the universe."

Let's go over just how wrong this is, shall we?

"When a full-scale war is engaged by the evil Scarran Empire"
OK. To start off, the war was technically started by Scorpius (a Peacekeeper). Granted, it was a preemptive strike in an inevitable war, but still. Also, "evil Scarran Empire?" They're not exactly fuzzy, but "evil?" whatever.

"the Peacekeeper Alliance has but one hope: reassemble human astronaut John Crichton"
Yeah. The "Peacekeeper Alliance?" It's obviously meant to evoke Evil Empire vs. Rebel Alliance, which is lame. The Peacekeepers are usually just as bad as the Scarrans. Moving on, their "one hope" is to reassemble John? OK, I'll grant that John is the one hope of ending the conflict, but they don't reassemble him, nor do they know that he needs reassembling, or where he is.

"once sucked into the Peacekeeper galaxy through a wormhole"
Dude. He never left the Milky Way. Granted, he initially had no idea where he was at first, but he's known that he's in the same galaxy since the end of season 3, and in case we'd forgotten that the Eidelons confirm that fact in the miniseries. Also, what makes it the Peacekeeper galaxy?

"Crichton's task: Get the entire Peacekeeper race to safety"
*Weeps* I suppose it's too confusing to mention four species in this summary? Scarrans, Peacekeepers (not that that's a species), humans, and Eidelons. Eidelons are not Peacekeepers. At most Eidelons could be called Peacemakers. Eidelons created Peacekeepers. Peacekeepers used to work for Eidelons. Not the same people. Again with the making Peacekeeprs sound like the goodguys. Also, John never is charged with getting "the entire [Eidelon] race to safety." Jothee does some mass transport, but not John. At most Moya only ever has something like 20 Eidelons on board.

Here's an Eidelon:
And here's a Sebatian (former) Peacekeeper:
I think Aeryn would want to shoot the authors of the summary for confusing the two species.
"Only an idiot [confuses Sebatians and Eidalons]. Shame on you[, authors]!"

"the last war of an era"
I have no issue with "the last war of an era." That's maybe the only accurate part of this summary, as its a paraphrase from the movie. They might have gotten it from watching oh, the first seven minutes of the film? I'm not very impressed.

"brings and end to the universe"
Now this I must take issue with. First of all, the war might have destroyed the galaxy, but certainly not the entire universe. Second, it's not really the war that would destroy the galaxy, but John's wormhole weapon, which he builds and he fires. He threatens to let it destroy the galaxy if the Scarrans and Peacekeepers agree to stop fighting.

Final tally: The-authors-of-this-summary-are-morons: 8. They-were-paying-some-attention: 1. Wow. I guess they were morons.

Farscape: Favorite episodes

So we finally finished watching Farscape. We had to take a couple of days off because Alec went to Ashland with his AP Lit class. Also, we didn't watch the whole series; we skipped "DNA Mad Scientist," "Vitas Mortis," "Taking the Stone" and "The Choice," because those ones are annoying/depressing. Also, I was cooking or something during "They've Got a Secret" and "Dream a Little Dream." I might go back and re-watch those six now, just because I don't like them to feel left out. And there are at least a couple of good scenes in each of them.
As I said in my previous post, my favorite episodes are still the weirdest, for the most part, while conventional episodes such as "I, E.T." are boring. My favorites in season 1 are:

"Thank God it's Friday... Again," in which John pretends to be stoned (not for the last time) and Aeryn and Pilot work together first time, as Aeryn taps into a heretofore unknown scientific ability. And hey--Rygel's bodily fluids become explosive!

"That Old Black Magic," in which John and Crais face off in Maldis's maze-like castle. This is the first time we see more of Bialar's character. It also sets the precedent for only badguys getting John's cultural references.
"Till the Blood Runs Clear," in which John must pretend to be a big bad bounty hunter in order to keep two actual bounty hunters from torturing D'Argo--too much. Its the first time that John demonstrates his ability to pretend to be a tough guy, rather than just stoned.

"The Flax," in which John and Aeryn are trapped in a transport pod which has been caught in the Flax, a trap set by space pirates. OK, so the real reason that I like this episode is that it includes John and Aeryn's first kiss, which is amusingly interrupted by D'Argo finally coming to rescue them.

"Through the Looking Glass," which is the first mostly funny episode, in which Moya is split into four "dimensions," each with its own... quirks. The Moyans wander around between the split off Moyas, trying to fix the problem while not being distracted by the earsplitting noise found in one and nausea-inducing light found in another. The most amusing split off is the one that has the same effect as laughing gas. Rygel in particular has fun in that one.

"Nerve" and "The Hidden Memory," in which Scorpius, Stark, and Talyn are introduced (or born, in Talyn's case), as well as the Aurora Chair. Aside from that, they're also great episodes.

"Family Ties," in which Crais seeks asylum on Moya and steals Talyn, and Scorpius takes over his his command carrier. This is also the first episode during which John and D'Argo are clearly shown to be friends, rather than people that have been forced to live together, as they were before.

So what if that's 8/22 episodes in the season? My favorites in season 2 are:

"Crackers Don't Matter," in which everyone goes insane, and starts obsessing over crackers. It's also Harvey's first appearance (yay!). And is generally hilarious, and is one of my top five favorite episodes, if not my very favorite.
"Picture if You Will," in which Maldis comes back for revenge, and traps the Moyans in a maze-like picture. He likes mazes. Possibly the main reason that I like this episode is that it is the first episode of the show that I ever saw. I was confused, and didn't really like it. Silly me.

"Out of their Minds," which is the body swap episode. I'm convinced it was made just to give the opportunity for the scene in which Anthony Simcoe (Chianna in D'Argo's body) tries to... persuade... Ben Browder (Rygel in John's body) to leave with... her. Everyone else is funny, as well (except Zhaan, who is conveniently off ship at the time because she's not funny enough to pull off a body swap).

"Won't Get Fooled Again," in which John is lead to believe that he never left earth. Things take a turn for the weird, however, when the other Moyans show up, and refuse to acknowledge that they aren't humans. It gets weirder--and funnier--from there. This is the episode in which John names Harvey. One of my favorite scenes is the one in which Crais shows up--as a police officer--to give John a ticket for attempted murder and assault on a police officer, all the while holding a very patient doggy. "Come Toto."

"A Clockwork Nebari," in which Nebari (Chianna's species) come aboard and forcibly give a treatment to the Moyans which is supposed to eliminate undesirable tendencies such as violence. They don't give it to Pilot and Chianna, because it wouldn't work on them, and Rygel and John are immune (Rygel because of his fast metabolism and John thanks to Harvey). This gives another great opportunity for John--and Rygel--to act stoned, and for both of them to say "bitchen," which is hilarious.

"Liars, Guns, and Money" ("A Not So Simple Plan," "With Friends Like These," and "Plan B"), a trilogy in which the Moyans rob a bank, among other things. As I mentioned in my last post, it is what passes for a clip show in this series, because they draw on the help of several people that they have met since the beginning of the series. It is also a totally bitchen set of episodes.

Hmm. 8/22 episodes again. Well, it's a good show. My favorites from season 3 are:

"Green-Eyed Monster," which is kinda annoying in general, but it also shows that Stark and Rygel make a great team. And when I say "great" here I mean "hilarious."

"Incubator," in which Scorpius reveals details of his past. Awww... he smiles when he thinks of his mummy...!

"Scratch 'n Sniff," in which everyone drinks a lot, dances, and acts silly, while John and D'Argo bicker constantly. Also, this episode has the only instance in which D'Argo meets Harvey (other than the times in which he takes over John's body and tries to kill people, of course, but that's no fun).

"Revenging Angel," in which John is knocked on the head and left comatose. He copes by imagining his world as a Saturday morning cartoon, while Harvey "helps."

"I-Yensch, You-Yensch," in which we see the most unlucky criminals ever. They try to rob the restaurant in which D'Argo and Rygel are negotiating with Scorpius and Braca. Poor schmucks. Also, poor long-suffering Braca. Scorpy and Rygel make a great team, though.

"Into the Lion's Den" ("Lambs to the Slaughter" and "Wolf in Sheep's Clothing"), an epic two-parter. John and Scorpy, together at last! And... sniff... Talyn and Crais... whah. I can't say. But they're heroic. It was confusing to me the first time I saw it at 1:00 Monday morning, but then, I didn't know the show very well, and even then I could tell it was epic.

Ooh... only 7/22 episodes made it to this list in season 3. Whatever that means. Finally, here are my favorites from season 4:

"Crichton Kicks," in which John hangs out in an old Leviathan, and DRD 1812 and Sukozu are introduced. As a bonus, John pretends to be a goat. No, you did not misread that.

"John Quixote," in which John and Chianna become trapped in a crazy virtual reality game.

"I Shrink Therefore I am," in which everyone but John is shrunk to miniature size. There is a particularly memorable scene in which Sukozu points out the scientific impossibility of their situation, and Rygel basically says, just go with it.

"Coup by Clam," in which the Moyans eat mollusks which, when shared, cause the sharers to share physical sensations. Hilarity ensues.

"Kansas," in which John and the others finally get to earth via a wormhole, only to find that the year is 1986. Their very presence has caused problems in time, so they must fix things in John's family... before he erases himself from the timeline and literally disappears ("I know, Back to the Future!").

"Terra Firma," in which they Moyans spend a couple of months on Earth. It is a rather talky episode, but it's good talking.

"Twice Shy," in which everyone's main characteristic becomes intensified, and then is stripped from them. John and Aeryn finally get over their angst.

"We're So Screwed" ("Fetal Attraction," "Hot to Katratzi," and "La Bomba"), in which the Moyans rescue Aeryn from Scarrans and lose Scorpius. Next they gatecrash a conference between Grayza and the Scarrans in order to rescue Scorpy, while John straps a nuclear bomb to himself to ensure their safe passage. It's all very cool.
Ooh... 10/22 for this season. I guess it's my favorite of the four. I almost added a couple of others, too.

So there you have it. My favorite episodes from the series. It's a good thing that there were only four seasons, for the purposes of this list if nothing else. I didn't include Peacekeeper Wars on this list because I figure it goes without saying. Oy. Get a load of the synopsis on the back of the dvd box:

"When a full-scale war is engaged by the evil Scarran Empire, the Peacekeeper Alliance has but one hope: reassemble human astronaut John Crichton, once sucked into the Peacekeeper galaxy through a wormhole. Crichton's task: Get the entire Peacekeeper race to safety before the last war of an era brings and end to the universe."

I'm not sure if I want to laugh or cry. Soooo wrong on so many levels. Don't you love it when people write synopsies for things about which they clearly know nothing? Maybe they thought an accurate discription would be too confusing.

I now feel compelled to make a list of my top five six favorites, in the order that they aired:

"Crackers Don't Matter"
"Won't Get Fooled Again"
"Liars, Guns, and Money Part II: With Friends Like These"
"Into the Lion's Den Part II: Wolf in Sheep's Clothing"
"John Quixote"
"Kansas"


There. I did make one reference to Doctor Who, anyway. And it only took me from 5:50 to 11:23 to write this. In my defense, I was watching stuff and eating dinner for much of that time.

Wibbly-wobbly

"People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but actually from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly-wobbly... timey-wimey... stuff."
--Tenth Doctor, "Blink"

I think that's where my time has gone.

Or maybe It's gone from me finding that picture. Why am I avoiding watching Once Upon a Time in China II? Just because it's homework. Why do I want to avoid doing work? I'm only making life difficult for myself.

I can use this opportunity to brainstorm about my essay topic, though. I've finally reached the point where it's easier to type than it is to write by hand. I remember being impressed when I learned that that was how Mommy wrote fastest. Anyway. Stalling.

I'm writing about Shaolin Temple, Once Upon a Time in China II, and Hero. Each has a slightly different take on what makes the best hero. Chieh Yuan is hot-headed and not very self-disciplined. He goes off on his own to take revenge, and nearly gets everyone killed. This is clearly not what constitutes a good hero. In the end he gives up the girl--now that's different!--in order to dedicate himself fully to the temple and its defence.

In Once Upon a Time in China, Wong Fei-Hung still has a sense of humor, though it is not quite as ridiculous as Chieh Yuan. He is always dedicated to doing what is right, helping others with his medicine and defending the weak with his martial arts. Here the emphasis is not on working with the group--he frequently goes off to fight alone--but on modernizing China while maintaining its identity. Fei-Hung is disgusted by the White Lotus sect, who want to kill all the foreigners. He has forbidden love as well, but for a different reason. He is related to Aunt 13 by family vows, if not by blood.

Nameless appears cold and calculating at first, stoically doing his duty. However, he is actually twisted by his anger and desire for revenge. In the end he does sacrifice himself for the unification of China, but only at the last second. The true hero of the story is Broken Sword, who recognizes Qing's desire to unify the land for peace when no one else does. The message here is even more didactic than the previous stories. Unity good. Division bad. No killing. Sacrifice yourself for the whole. It also seems that everyone in China likes to wear long robes with big billowy sleeves and has really long, gorgeous black hair.

OK... that's a nice start, but I have no idea how I'm going to stretch that into ten pages.
Argh. You said it, Mrs. Silvestry.